We draw conclusions about people through observation, their behavior, past experiences, other people's comments, etc. We assume who people are, what they think/need/want with such speed we fail to recognize how our own viewpoint colors the way we connect with and relate to people and situations. We even hold assumptions about ourselves!
Let's focus for a moment on verbal communication. Making assumptions has become a part of the way we communicate (or don't communicate) with each other.
During my coach training, one of the points that class leaders focused on was the value of listening to people with curiosity. What that means is hearing what people say, being present with them, and having an innocent, open, genuine interest to learn about who they are without judgments or preconceived attitudes.
In my work, I consider myself to be an empathetic listener. I've become accustomed to asking questions and quickly grasping the essence of what people are saying. Focusing on staying in curiosity, I was astonished to observe the subtle ways I quickly shifted into making assumptions in my desire to understand. Saying things like " Tell me more about that, what does that mean to you, how would your life be different if you had.." brought me back into curiosity instead of jumping forward into planning strategies or problem-solving. I realized that by making assumptions, I was missing (stepping over) important information that would help me to be fully present with my clients.
How often do you believe you understand the other person only to find out you have a miss - understanding??? To what extent do your assumptions cause conflicts? How often do you make a decision and/or take action based on your assumptions. What happened?
So why don't we ask questions for further clarification? When I ask this question, people tell me:
* It's such an automatic response. I don't think to ask for more information.
* I wasn't totally sure but I was uncomfortable asking - like I should have known.
* I didn't realize I misunderstood until…..
* I didn't want to appear stupid (misunderstanding is better?).
What's your answer?
For example - people often say they want to be supported. What does that really mean? I know what feeling supported and being supported means to me but I don't know what that means to anyone else. What are people really asking for? Seeking clarification (get specifics!), about what people want/need/expect invites you to show up and respond (to that need for support) from your heart. Win-win. (Note. Using this example, don't assume that people need the same things in every situation.)
Here are some tips to begin moving out of unconscious assumptions to conscious curiosity:
1. Look for opportunities to practice being curious instead of "knowing." Choose some situations that would benefit from eliciting further information. Pay attention to how you are responding to people.
2. ASK QUESTIONS!!!!!!! Say things like - "tell me more about that", "I know what that means to me, what does that mean to you?" Consider what you'd really like to know.
3. Reflect back to the person what you hear them say and what you believe they mean. This is active listening.
4. Be willing to look silly or be uncomfortable in an effort to understand.
5. Recall a past experience when you made assumptions that had negative consequences. Looking back, what assumptions did you make that you can learn from now? How can you apply this information to become more open and receptive?
What else can you think of?
Copyright 2003, Lorraine Cohen
Lorraine Cohen of Powerfull Living (http://www.powerfull-living.biz) is a Business Coach and Life Strategist and Team Member of Solo-E (http://www.Solo-E.com). Lorraine Cohen is a Business Coach & Life Strategist who brings more than 25 years of experience in life coaching, counseling, and sales. She helps people through career change, life transitions, and the process of breaking through FEAR and removing barriers to success.
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